Tilling the Soil- continued
My husbands family is amazing. My kids have grandparents who authentically care about them, patiently support them, and desire to know more about them. They call to find out about their day and their life. My sons never think to inquire about how they are doing. One time my 12 year old was on the phone with his grandma, and I was listening in. After a series of questions from grandma, the conversation paused. I leaned over and in a big whisper voice said "ask her how she's doing?" And he did. Of course she answered with the general good nature of all was good. Really, how much detail can you go into with a 12 year old who is fervently processing the next Minecraft-Lego creation that might take shape under his constructive fingers. She told him what he needed to here. He needed to hear that all was good in her world so that he could go on with his worry free play.
There I was left wondering about the first Big Rock that gets in my way of Gods word rooting well in my soul, selfishness. No, I'm gonna capitalize it SELFISHNESS! I am so selfish. Oh sure I know some of you are sitting there wondering what is she talking about, she one of most selfless people I know. I can be- but here it is, I'm also selfish. I want everything to be about me. I want my husband there for me, I want my kids there for me and I want God there for me. I want them there because I (yes, I) feel better when I have them. Do you see all those "I's" in those statements?
While my son listened to his grandma and I remembered myself as a little girl on the phone with my grandma. Every Christmas while visiting with family, playing with siblings and my NEW TOYS, my grandmother would call. The phone would ring and the phone would get passed around. When it was my turn, I groaned. "I'm playing." My father would insist, so I would take the phone begrudgingly smile and say "Hi Grandma!" Oh how fake I was and selfish too!
Children are a great example of this because they are so clear when they express themselves. Adults on the other hand are less clear, and it's harder to see our own selfishness. For example when my daughters were looking for a college, I naturally found a college close to me. I researched their majors and it sounded something like this. "Hi sweetheart, guess what? There is a college close by me, and they have your major! They have a special orientation in two weeks. Should I sign you up? Oh yah and did I tell you the rents here are so low, and it's not hard to find a place that will take a dog. There are jobs and honey it would be so awesome for you to live closer. The boys miss you and I do to."
Can you see all of the manipulation in that? I wanted her to go to college, I never asked her what she wanted. I already researched it, and had a plan. If that wasn't enough, I had to convince her by throwing a guilt trip of her brothers in there. Once I have buried her in my expectations, excitement and guilt, she can't easily say no. She can see and hear the desperation of me wanting HER in the whole statement. Selfish with a capital "S".
In tilling the soil of my heart I had to think about the seeds God planting in the soil of my soul. The disciples asked Jesus what is the greatest commandment of God and Jesus replied:
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 22:37-39 NIV)
The seed of God is Love. How do I know what kind of soul soil I need to grow a garden of love? I turned to the bible to help me with this and found this:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NCV)
There was a time when I would have read that and said " Okay, that sounds easy enough." But today as I read it, I feel a great burden. God has helped me to see the depth of my selfishness and and how the desperation for the things of this world has lead me to do selfish things. Now when I read I think; " Really God? That's all? Have you seen how broken I am? Are you aware how selfish I am? You are kidding right?" But not God. He wasn't kidding and he directed me to these verses.
"Actually all of us were like them and lived according to our natural desires, doing whatever suited the wishes of our own bodies and minds. In our natural condition we, like everyone else, were destined to suffer God's anger. (Ephesians 2:3 GNB)"
"The people who believe that Jesus is the Messiah are God’s children. Anyone who loves the Father also loves the Father’s children. How do we know that we love God’s children? We know because we love God and we obey his commands. Loving God means obeying his commands. And God’s commands are not too hard for us, because everyone who is a child of God has the power to win against the world. It is our faith that has won the victory against the world. So who wins against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God." (1 John 5:1-5 ERV)
I got down on my knees, convinced that God has the power to deliver me from the worldly desires, and began to uncover the rocks that stifle true love. I was horrified at the rocks I pulled up, and many were built up over years, through fear, and by through the hurt of people and situations in my life. As I unearthed the rocks, each one had a story, a reason and a purpose, all based in fear. God exposed the truth and freed me. I learned that tilling the soil will be an everyday task, because these weeds and rocks can show up when your not paying attention.
The gardeners job is a daily one, watching and tending. Each day God meets me at the Gardeners bench. We visit Gods word, explore, and then apply it to the soul soil nourishing the blooming love for God and his people.
Next- week I will discuss the weeds in the garden.
